A Purpose for 2016

I initially created this blog with the intent for it to have a "purpose". It ended up being an online scrapbook of my life, which I love to look back and reflect on. But I'll be the first to admit, I've done a great job at making it look like my life is pretty much all happiness and stress free. If I happened to stumble on my blog, I would immediately call my own bluff. There's no way this person has been honestly chronicling her life for the past 4+ years and it's all been positive.

My goal this year is to be more transparent here. I would like to look back on posts from here on out and actually get a sense of what my life was like. Not just smiling pictures with quick captions (although those certainly won't go away). Real feelings. Real thoughts. Here we go.

I've always been a people pleaser. I don't like to make people uncomfortable, I don't like saying things that will stir the pot. I want everyone I meet to like me, and I take it personally if they don't. That's probably why this blog has been all sunshine and rainbows until now. Nothing controversial. Nothing meaningful. There are many times I'll drive home after being with friends or family and beat myself up over something trivial I said. "Did I sound dumb?" "I shouldn't have said that." "Do they think less of me because of it?" I would be willing to bet that the conversations I stress over were forgotten the moment I left. I over analyze everything I say, and I'm constantly embarrassed of myself. Being like this has always bothered me. I'm always asking myself "Why do I care so much?"

For example, I remember posting when Adam got baptized and seriously thinking "I can't be too Jesus-y because people will think I'm weird. Or the 'Super Christians' will see right through me." Goodness - can't I just be proud of my husband?

Before becoming pregnant I would say I was a Sunday Christian, at best. Adam and I really enjoyed our church, and attended here and there. If we weren't hungover. Once I got pregnant, the hangovers stopped and church attendance picked up. I wish I had a better way of describing how I really came to know Jesus, but that's really the reasoning behind it. (Maybe I should leave that part out of my testimony...) Now that I've gone through pregnancy and childbirth, and now that I'm a mom I honestly don't understand how people don't believe in God. The entire process is an absolute miracle, and I am blown away by His love and grace every time I look at our sweet girl. Aiden wasn't planned, but we were over the moon when we found out I was pregnant. We have always said that God has a special plan for Aiden, because He apparently really wanted her here. I sometimes wonder if it's because He needed me to know Him right now. He needed me to realize put all my trust in Him all day, every day. He needed me to realize you can't have a successful marriage without Him in the center of it.  He needed me to realize that I am not a slave to money. He needed me to realize He has huge plans for me. Regardless of His reasoning, I am so excited that Aiden and our future children will only know Adam and me as people who are in love with Jesus.

I always thought of Christianity as a lot of rules and no fun. I credit a good friend of mine (Hey, Barbara!) for making me realize that God is simply love. She is fun, hilarious and likes wine. She also works at a church, loves Jesus and is probably my favorite Christian. She once told me, "It's so cool because God doesn't love you because of who you are, He loves you because of who He is." If I had to pick the one moment I decided to be a Christian, that would be it. I finally realized you don't have to be boring to be a Christian. You can still drink wine, laugh, make so many mistakes, be yourself. But now you have the opportunity to become the best version of yourself and you have the Creator of everything rooting you on every step of the way.

Here's where that "people pleaser" in me comes in. I used to think "Well, I can be a real Christian in my heart and in my home, but I don't need to go making people uncomfortable by talking about it." Except isn't that the complete opposite of being a Christian? Why would I be so selfish to keep this amazing love to myself? This year, I'm letting Jesus push me outside of my comfort zone. I'm going to make a conscious effort to listen and respond. I'm going to say things that might make people uncomfortable. I'm going to turn people on to Jesus by being myself - the same "me" I've always been. I don't think these conversations need to be forced and formal, these conversations may come up after a couple glasses of wine. (Great, now my friends are going to be scared to get a glass of wine with me. Look, I'm still funny!)

Here's to looking back at 2016 and finally reading some real, raw truth.

(Also, I keep re-reading this and it's so scatter-brained and all over the place. I apologize to my future self for not being able to put my thoughts together in a cohesive way. NO, I DON'T. I don't apologize. I'm not going to try to "people please" my future self. Ok. Bye!)