And I'm Back!

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

In the beginning of the year, I promised that I would start using this blog for truth - not just the fluff. Now that's it August (oops), maybe I should hold myself accountable.

I love Jesus. So much so that I was finally going to declare my love for him in front of my family and our church on Sunday, July 24. Instead, I woke up in a full body rash that could have landed me on National Geographic (turns out I'm allergic to penicillin). I know Jesus is real, and nothing anyone can say or do will ever convince me otherwise. After being forced to reschedule that public declaration, I now know that Satan is also real. I've always put Jesus on a (well-deserved) pedestal, but never gave much thought to the one who is trying very hard to steal us away from Him.

Satan isn't your average bully. He doesn't knock you down, brush off his hands and walk away. He knocks you down. And knocks you down. And knocks you down. He doesn't ever think you've "had enough" and reach down to give you a hand. When you're at the lowest is when he strikes the hardest.

I'm at a low. From the outside looking in, my life looks pretty sweet. And to be honest, my life is pretty sweet. But I know better. I know how great it can be, because I've been there. Jesus doesn't settle for "meh". I'm in a rut because I've stopped putting Jesus first. Yes, I pray multiple times every day. But I'm really just going through the motions. Until tonight, I can't remember the last time I actually opened my Bible. We haven't been to church in weeks (well, technically we have - but we've just been loving on the babies in nursery). Church on Sundays has always been my weekly reboot, it helps me to refocus on Jesus. I've found I've been faltering without that, and I'm so ready to be back.

Early in our marriage, before either of us had found Jesus, I remember waking up exhausted thinking about the day ahead. There was always something to stress about. Money. The future. Our jobs. I felt like I was constantly clawing at the shore trying to keep my head above water. It was exhausting in every sense of the word. One of my favorite stories about how Jesus has worked in our life is when we learned to completely surrender control to Him. It was scary. It was unnatural for me. But it was the most liberating, freeing time in my life. When I let go, I realized I could float. Spending my energy on other things - such as my relationship with Jesus - made me feel like I was on a high. And everything I stressed about fell into place. Seriously, I would wake up and want to pinch myself because life was just so wonderful.

Lately, I find myself clawing again. Worrying about the usual suspects again. Money. Our future. Insert other cliche here. It's weird, because on one hand I have a very real sense of peace about financial freedom. I believe Jesus was kind enough to lay this peace on me because He knows it's a weak spot for me. For a long time I struggled with not having nice-to-haves, but I'm finally at a place where I can 100% say from my heart that I truly don't care about those things anymore. I remind myself on a daily basis that just the fact that I'm an American puts me at an advantage over the majority of the world. And who cares about this world anyway? I'm more concerned with where I'm spending eternity, and Heaven seems pretty legit.

Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. I'm drowning.

I guess I figured once I knew and loved Jesus that I was done. Congratulations to me! WRONG. Jesus needs to be my #1 priority. Always. It needs to be the relationship I commit the most time and energy towards. Not Aiden. Not Adam. Without that steady foundation of Jesus, Adam and I are all sorts of out of sync. I'm not being the mom Aiden deserves. And like I said, I can't even remember the last time I opened my Bible before tonight. If I let him, Satan would relish this opportunity to keep knocking me down. To keep me from being the daughter of Christ, the wife to Adam and the mom to Aiden that I know I was created to be.

Here's the great news. Even though I certainly don't deserve it, God is always waiting in the wings. He's been waiting there since day one. He watched me rebel through my teen years. He watched me stumble through college. He watched me and Adam struggle through the first years of our marriage. He's watched me these past few months slowly drift away from Him and assure myself that "I got it". I'm sure I've broken His heart many times, but I'm also pretty sure I've made His heart soar. He never screamed or lost his temper or decided to just give up on me. He's always been there. And looking back on my life, I can see Him. He's been a quiet warrior fighting for my heart, always on the sidelines softly saying "I'm here. I'm always here and I will always love you."

But that's not where He deserves to be. He deserves to be front and center. He deserves my time and energy every single day. So here I am. TTYL, Satan. I'm back and I'm excited. Because I know how beautiful life can be when He's truly in the center of it.

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